It was the summer of 1989. I was home from college for summer vacation, waiting for my summer job at Camp Don Bosco to start, and enjoying the mornings of sleeping in in my childhood bedroom.

One such lazy morning, around 10am, the doorbell rings, and I, in my bathrobe, look out the window to see the Greenscape truck on the street (Greenscape was one of those companies that pours chemicals over your lawn to make it grow a color green never found in nature, and for some reason my mom was letting them do this to our lawn every week). I answer the door, and find an awkward, young, sort of cute guy perhaps my age or a bit older, there in his Greenscape uniform, to inform me he was going to spray the lawn. I nodded, and he stood there for an awkward moment looking at me before turning and getting on with the chemicals. I got dressed and went about my morning.

Half an hour or so later, there he is, the Greenscape Guy, back on my porch, this time to inform me he's done spraying. He lingers a moment, and while staring at his feet, asks me for a date friday night. I was too stunned (and too nice, I suppose) to say no, so I agreed.

Friday night rolls around, and I really don't want to go on the date. My mom, ever supportive, pours me a screwdriver, and tells me not to hurt his feelings and just go on the date ("after all, it's Just One Date"). I reluctantly agreed.

So he takes me out to Sea Galley in downtown Bellevue, near the John Danz Movie Theater, where we planed to see Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade later that night. All through dinner the Greenscape Guy is talking about all of the things we might do together over the summer, making plans as though I'm his girlfriend. I was getting irritated, and explained to him many times that I was going to be working at camp all summer and then returning to college in the fall, so there really wasn't a chance of us going out again. He was persistent, asking about days off, asking how long of a drive it was to Pullman, where I went to college, and generally irritating me with his behavior. By the time dinner was over, I was sick of the Greenscape Guy and wishing the night was over.

So we get in his car to head to the movie theater, and all of a sudden he's climbing over the stick shift to get to me and kiss me, all wet and sloppy, and I'm pulling away, no longer irritated but mad. I tell him to drive around the block to the movie theater, and he does.

It's as we're walking into the theater that he pulls out the first of his three great pick-up lines, "Let's sit in the back so we can make out". I look at him like he's crazy and say "Let's sit in the middle so we can watch the movie". I then spend the next two hours physically removing his hands from my body. I didn't even get to catch most of the movie, as I was too occupied with defending myself from his groping advances.

After the movie is over, I give him the cold shoulder and keep my distance as we return to his car. By this time I'm stiff with anger, and itching to get home to my mom so I can tell her she was wrong about how bad Just One Date can be. As I'm buckling my seat-belt, the Greenscape Guy fires off great pick-up line number two, "Is there anyplace good around here we can go to park?". I roll my eyes and give him explicit directions back to my house via the shortest possible route. As he drives, he tells me he just got out of the Marines and hasn't "been with a woman in over two years". I was not moved to end his slump.

We finally arrive at my house. The car has hardly stopped and I'm opening the door and moving to climb out, when he uses his best line yet, "Can I at least touch your breast?". I quickly and disgustedly tell him no, but as I'm sliding out of the car, he reaches over and does it anyhow.

The Greenscape Guy fertilized my mom's lawn for the rest of that summer. When I was home, I'd hide if I saw that truck on the street. To date, no one else has ever used a pick-up line as solid as his on me.

"Let's sit in the back so we can make out,"
"Is there anyplace good around here where we can go to park?"
and "Can I at least touch your breast?"

All in one night, from the Greenscape Guy.

So what are your best/worst pick-up lines? What was your date from hell? Tell the story here, or tell it on your blog and link it here. If there's a better pick-up line than these, I'm dying to know it.