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I haven't been writing much in my blog lately. Here's why, and I suspect a lot of you will relate.
I have really hurt someone recently, and I'm feeling a lot of guilt about every aspect of how that happened. I'm also sharing some of the pain, because I am hurting too. But I know that I am in the place that I need to be in and that I did the right thing for me, even though it is painful.
The thing is, I am climbing out of dark area of my life, and I'm starting to feel really good. Not at every moment, but on the whole I am feeling a lot more like my old self, the girl I was before I got into this situation. I like her a lot better than the one I've been for the past ten months.
If I write about that, though, or if I write about all of the fun things that are going on in my life, I know that this other person will read it and be hurt by it. So rather than rub in how good I'm starting to feel, I'm mostly silent.
The other side of the coin is that I am not a negative person, and I do not ever want to be perceived as a complainer or whiner. So when I am hurting, I'm also very unlikely to write about that. Those things I share privately with a few close friends. So whichever feeling I am having lately, be it joy or pain, I'm keeping it to myself.
I'm tired of that.
So I am going to go back to keeping my blog for what I want it to be, an avenue for self-expression and creativity. I'm sorry if it hurts anyone, I really am. But I am tired of staring at my computer screen every day wondering what to write about and ending up writing nothing.
By the way, I've been on both sides and I know there are times others have kept silent on their pages for my benefit. You don't have to. If what you have to say is too difficult for me to read, I can always choose to stop reading. And if I don't read for a while, it doesn't mean I care for you any less.
Posted by Dawn at March 24, 2003 07:33 PM
I knew this girl back in high school who was a total free spirit and who most always appeared happy and full of life and energy. Even on down days she radiated this positive glow about her.
She drove this VW whose heater didn't work in the winter, had a mom who tried to adopt all her friends, and had a big dawg whose outgoing behavior made for a perfect fit in the family.
This girl was someone you always wanted to talk to and hang out with because she seemed wise beyond her years, passionate about everything life had to offer, and cared about everyone and everything around her.
And she was able to express herself so well in the way she spoke, carried herself, wrote, everything.
I really liked that girl and I'm glad she's still around.
Posted on March 25, 2003 00:19 PST
Ditto what Rob said.
It's a very difficult thing, maintaining a public website which still stays true to your inner self. I should know I suppose. In the past, I've moved my site to a new and secret domain (but still public) after my divorce. After a breakup with the psycho, I moved it all behind closed doors and continued my writing relationship-free.
I've never been happy with that, because what I wrote in those earlier days affected and helped people.
But it hurt me, and others involved. So no more. Good for you if you can figure it out. Let me know how you do it.
Posted on March 25, 2003 08:01 PST
We've never even met in person, Dawn, but I know you as a sweet, compassionate, emotionally generous person. I'm sorry for your pain, and proud of your decision to write more again.
I wish you peace.
XOXO
Posted on March 25, 2003 09:15 PST
There comes a time when one must draw the line on responsibility for others' feelings. When you are sacrificing the health of your spirit for the health of someone else's, the only result will be two sick souls. :( Or something like that.
I'm so glad you're putting your mind to this. If you're like me, the worst feeling in the entire world is regret. Keep your head held high, write, and keep your compassion. You're blameless. *hugs*
Posted on March 25, 2003 22:05 PST
Great comments. I think that anybody who writes a personal blog faces this problem. I feel that your choice is the right one. Yes, you may hurt some people by writing about your life honestly. But:
We need to have more connection to the hearts, minds and souls of real people. This makes us realize that we are not alone in our joy and suffering, and gives us strength to do what we need to do.
I try to write my own blog joramo.com with this in mind. And I am happy that a friend tuned me into your blog because they saw some similarity in style. (Although on the surface, I think that our blogs are quite different.)
Posted on March 27, 2003 07:09 PST
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